Can you feel it? !I am SO excited that I picked Czech Republic on a whim to review this year, because hipster indie pop bands that are dressed like The Wiggles are TOTALLY what I’m into right now. Seriously, the base player in his red turtle neck looks exactly like Murray, who incidentally once came into the Sly Fox in Enmore whilst I was working once and told me he “really liked my popcorn”- if that’s not an innuendo, then I don’t know what is. Speaking of innuendos, Friend of a friend is full of them. Do you know what I mean? I particularly liked the part of the clip where the lead singer has a series of photos of him being manhandled into a police car, because it’s a metaphor for the youth of today being labelled as miscreant Millennials, which they probably are, right? The tune is catchy and annoyingly stuck in my head right now. The Czech Republic has been a part of Eurovision for the last 12 years, and have yet to win, but if any of the current judges are under the age of 25 then Lake Malawi might be in with a chance. I give them 3 skinny leg jeans out of a possible 5.
WOOF, is there anything Sergey can’t do?! Racking up countless music and radio awards, adopting puppies, starting up a company that creates dog friendly pastries and cakes… and he can bloody sing! Like an angel! He gave me goosebumples. Scream is a beautiful song, and I can’t stop raving about his voice, it really is magic. The lyrics are a bit dodgy however, like most emo songs with beautiful melodies, it seems to be about loudly broadcasting feelings that you’re having, but lying about actually having them: “Tears won’t fall whilst my pride stands tall… but my eyes will be liars..” I think we ALL can relate to that. I quite liked the video clip with the hero coming to rescue the princess troupe, and then dumping her on a small island covered in bryophytes (which he stomped all over, rude), but she was really quite pretty with glorious hair and didn’t say anything at all the whole clip, so why did he dump her there? I think men really should start addressing their feelings so we can all be supportive of them. PS: a small child acts out killing a large dragon towards the end of the clip. Just in case that sort of thing upsets you. SERGEY FOR THE WIN!
Grammatical issues notwithstanding, John Lundvik’s “Too Late For Love” is a safe, straightforward dance ballad from this Euro-powerhouse. It’s true to recent form for Sweden, and to be honest if you played any of their last dozen entries over a clip of slow-motion rain I doubt whether viewers would be able to differentiate them. The strategy is effective enough having secured a top 10 finish for most of the last decade (we don’t talk about Bergendahl), but it doesn’t make for compelling listening. Get weird Sweden!
An incongruous county-blues guitar hook kicks off this gloomy electronic piece from Romania’s Ester Peony. In the great tradition of edgy alternative bands there is no hint as to what the title “On a Sunday” actually refers to, but the song carries the usual theme of love and the tremendous price it extracts from us all (are we thinking of the same thing?). The real star of the accompanying video is Ester’s husky companion, whose glossy coat, playful eyes, and regal attitude steal the show. I would very much like to scratch it behind the ears and rubs its belly, and I do hope Romania leans heavily into the canine theme for the live show, since the song and human performers are otherwise forgettable.
Having finished last in more Eurovision finals than any other country, Norway’s people cry out for a hero to save them. That hero is nascent supergroup KEiiNO. Their people’s pleas, echoing across the void, wake the champions from cryopreservation in Narnia. Christina Ricci, Lanky Mr Tumnus, and Vin Diesel deliver a rousing electropop track that is surprisingly multi-faceted and catchy. Though undoubtedly jealous of the other’s nekomimi battlemorphs, Vin Diesel’s bridge of Sámi vocals to a backdrop of tribal drums and Aurora Borealis delivers the killing blow to the Anonymous antagonists. The heroes return to suspended animation, awaiting the day they are next needed. Though unlikely to add a fourth Eurovision victory for the Vikings, the track should present a stirring live performance, and place Norway in the upper rankings.
In an alternate universe, George Calombaris has gained 3 feet in height, swapped his apron for a satin suit that changes colour every five seconds, and conquered San Marino, transforming the mountainous microstate into an urban disco dystopia. Construction workers and police crump and twerk together on a futuristic crosswalk that can only be described as the McDonald’s reboot of Blade Runner. Tall George beams his image from his impregnable fortress on Monte Titano, encouraging vulnerable women to call him any time for nonsensical self-help platitudes, accompanied by an uninspired Casio stock bassline. At this year’s Eurovision, will San Marino “be a hero, be a rainbow and sing na na na”? Yeah, but nah. Just nah.
Eurovision is back and we are going to Tel Aviv on account of Netta’s nonsensical chicken song. This is the third time, Israel will host Eurovision and we have lots to look forward to. For one, the reject cast of Men in Black 4 will be hosting the event.
41 countries will compete for Eurovision glory – but fear not, The Science of Eurovision will see you through the trauma: Club Douze Points will selflessly review all songs and prepare you for the Eurovision finale.
In the meantime, stock up on some hummus and falafels….and perhaps something stronger for the coming two weeks!
Here we are again, at the Eurovision finals for 2018! The evening opened, as is now traditional, with the parade of the Eurovision finalists. And as if Eurovision were not camp enough, the flags were presented by winking sailors (male and female).
The evening was hosted by Portuguese quadruplets, Daniela, Filomena, Silvia and Catarina.
Thankfully, there was not much talk and we jumped straight into the first contestant.
What a start to Eurovision! Melovin from the Ukraine had it all – trapped in a coffin, dressed in a black morning coat (blown away by wind machines) and flames licking at his feet – it deserved better than 17th place.
Amaia and Alfred from Spain duetted a benign love song accompanied by smiles and not much else. The lack of any choreography, coffins or fire cost them dearly – 23rd place.
( Photo by Pedro Fiúza/NurPhoto)
Change of pace with Slovenia’s girl power. Lea and her friends were stomping up and down the stage under strobe lighting – the crowd was loving it, but not the voters: 22nd. The first whipping ponytails of the evening!
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An exhausted Ieva from Lithuania’s had to sit down on stage amongst her floppy pink dress. Finally, she scrambled up to walk up a set of stairs where she was joined by a young man (her husband?), who had no function at all – 12th place.
Cesar (Austria), dressed in a star trek uniform, was not distracted by the off-key backing singers, and delivered a solid upbeat performance, carried into 3rd place by the jury vote.
Estonia’s Queen of the Night, Elina pierced the evening with a soprano performance that could have shattered wine glasses (and ear drums). Her magnificent dress saved the performance – 8th place.
Norway’s Alexander Rybak could not bank on his previous Eurovision win in 2009: 15th place.
The host Portugal was up next, but Claudia’s harmony with her onstage friend was off-key and she was swiftly relegated to the last place. Best pink hair of the evening!
The UK’s performance was interrupted by some clown who rushed the stage and grabbed the microphone (Kanye?). An undeserved 24th, despite the excellent recovery from SuRie who belted out what remained of her song. Another wardrobe pick from the star trek set.
Serbia’s wailing and ethno drums were swiftly punished – 19th place.
Michael from Germany was tugging the heartstrings of voters across Eurovision. Dressed in black with excellent curls, and even better visual effects – 4th place.
Albania was next with a rock band on stage and a flawless and energetic performance, despite the highly confusing wardrobe – Kiss meets the Klingons? 11th place!
Wearing Jean-Paul Gaultiers’ star trek design, France’s Madame Monsieur made heavy use of on-stage fog, but forwent all other gimmicks – a respectable 13th place.
Czech sunny boy, Mikolas brought his school satchel on stage. Some high jinx dance moves distracted from a flat vocal performance – an inexplicable 6th place.
. (AP Photo/Armando Franca)
The Klingon empire (Denmark) was next – Ramsussen let their flowing beards do all the talking, conjuring up a snow storm on stage – 9th place. Best eye-liner of the evening.
Australia’s very own, Jessica Mauboy gave it her best with a big song, some excellent hair whipping and wild dancing. The crowd love it, but no-one else…20th place.
Finland’s Saara was pulling all leavers – unsuccessfully. Not sure about the NS style uniforms- 25th place!
Keeping the wailing to a minimum, Bulgaria’s Equinox, dressed as Vulcan high priests, delivered a funky anthem and were rewarded with a respectable 14th.
Moldova’s shenanigans on stage (think Bennie Hill) were richly rewarded despite the off-key singing, tuba and primary colours! 10th pace.
(Photo by Vyacheslav ProkofyevTASS via Getty Images)
Sweden’s disco inferno was a welcome relief after Moldova. A flawless singing performance, albeit the promises of a ‘dance you off’ was not met. Still, a respectable 7th place.
(AP Photo/Armando Franca)
At least Hungary’s AWS had a good time on stage, screaming their metal anthem only slightly out of tune. I still dozed off….21st place.
Israel’s Netta was operating the console of a Romulan warbird and delivered the best chicken song and dance of the evening – to the delight of the crowd and Eurovision – 1st place! Israel, here we come!
(Photo credit should read FRANCISCO LEONG/AFP/Getty Images)
Another band arrived on stage –Netherland’s country & western Waylon. Or so it seemed -the guitars were fake and quickly discarded to make room for some very energetic dancing. This type of deception never goes far – 18th place.
Ryan from Ireland was accompanied by a black piano, a street lantern and snow. But it was the two affectionate backing dancers that stole the show and catapulted an otherwise boring song into 16th place.
Wearing a spray-on suit, Eleni from Cyprus whips the crowd with excellent hair and dance moves, only narrowly escaping a wardrobe malfunction. Eurovision in its purest form – 2nd place!
Italy closed the performances. I can’t quite remember, but someone did – 5th place.
The jury votes were all over the place with douze points going to Austria, France, Germany, Sweden, Albania and Cyprus and Israel, changing the lead at almost every vote. The popular votes then rearranged the leaderboard dislodging Austria from the first place to make room for Israel and Cyprus.
In a nail-biting finish, Israel beat Cyprus by 100 points – Tel-Aviv here we come!
One might easily conclude that Italy’s entry is a happy, toe tapping ditty, probably about summer love or gelato or both. But the upbeat tune is in fact a grim commentary on war, terrorism and displacement. The main message is well illustrated in the video, let’s see what Ermal and Fabrizio dish up on stage. Will political commentaries go anywhere at Eurovision in the 21st century? Probably not…sorry Italy!
The title and bio pic is deceptive – no sign of Barbara Streisand anywhere in Laura’s performance. There is some staccato singing, a modern version of voguing and a combination of jazz trumpet and cello, leaving me utterly confused. Will Europe be as confused and erroneously allocate douze points?
Look, Spain has sent much, much worse to Eurovision and I am grateful for young and inoffensive Amaia and Alfred. Still, this sickly sweet, and slightly nasal number will send you to sleep at around 0’21”. While effective, this is somewhat elaborate for a sedative.
The UK has cloned Annie Lennox for Eurovision. Obviously, the real Annie declined politely, having seen the humiliation experienced by UK Eurovision entries (cue Engelbert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler). And it almost worked: short blond hair (tick), long, angular face (tick), string riff from Walking on Broken Glass (tick). Yet, CRISPR was unsuccessful in removing the highly annoying For eh-he-he-he-he-ver chorus. More humiliation awaits!
Political statements are not new to Eurovision. The Ukraine, Georgia and Estonia have all had a go at Russia along the years. Why, Portugal even started a political coup to the sound of ‘E Depois Do Adeus’ by Paulo de Cavalho in 1974.
Similarly, Madam Monsieur are making an unambiguous statement about plight of asylum seekers (the orange life jackets are a sure give away). However, unlike leather clad Ruslana, with her thumping performance or Jamala’s ear piercing assault, France’s mercy is lost in elegant subtlety. Definitely no where near the top 10.
Every wondered what happens to boy bands in Georgia when they mature? Wonder no more! They morph into Ethno-Jazz bands, wear grey knitted wests and bore the hell out of Eurovision. Nil points!
Not unlike the goddess Athena, who burst forth from Zeus’ forehead, Yianna ’emerged from a musical family of professional singers’. In young years, she embarked on the heroine’s journey that took Yianna to foreign lands (USA), where she faced hideous beasts (mostly Celine Dion) to reluctantly return home (Cyprus Music Awards). And just like Odysseus’ return to Ithaca, no one really recognises Yianna but for the housekeeper. The song? A tragedy!
Call me Ishmael. A good review is a narrative, and a good narrative has 5 elements:
1. A great first sentence (why mess around? I just went with the best!)
2. A journey. Amongst other things, my first sentence was supposed to simply an allegorical search for the meaning of life, and subtly suggest certain flattering characteristics about myself, all of which have been ruined because I realised it is a cultural reference whose meaning may not be apparent to everyone, and explaining it has negated any beneficial effects. Anyway, we are going one better than a search for the meaning of life – we are on a quest to discover the meaning of Eurovision, one of the greatest mysteries in the universe! Yay!
3. Elegant, lucid, succinct prose.
Two other elements which will hopefully come to me soon, otherwise I’ll have to explain why I said “5 elements” and only listed three.
On to the business at hand. Elina from Estonia can sing! She sings like the Diva from 5th Element (see what I did? It’s called foreshadowing in case you are interested), but the real star of the act is the dress, inside of which Elina is propped. I don’t know why this wasn’t mentioned in the official notes, but her dress is so big that it covers 2.4 hectares, and is encrusted in 3 million individally thought-controlled, coloured LEDs. Yes, Elina was singing and controlling the lights on her dress at the same time. She and her dress are a flowing fiesta of colour and light. Darwin would have maintained it was sexual selection at work, and who am I to question the great man? Rumour has it that Elina will be part of Sydney’s Vivid festival this year.
Did I mention that she can sing? Her final note shattered the wine glass in my hand. My prediction? Next year, Eurovision will be held in Tallinn, and by next spring, everyone will be wearing those dresses.
It seems I’ve allowed myself to be carried away by all the excitement of the event, and unintentionally created a metaphor for THE DRESS, whose maker also got carried away, and we both ended up with something way too big to be fit-for-purpose. Sorry.
Review by Jim McLean
LithuaniaIeva Zasimauskaitė: When We’re Old
When I see pop singers “playing” the piano I am often sceptical about who actually pressed the keys, but there is absolutely no doubt that Ieva played the whole song. It’s just a special piano, and pressing one key produces all the chords I reckon. Well, around the 40-45 seconds mark you see she got some assistance, but it was mostly he work, surely. The short bio states that she took lessons until she was fifteen, so there you go. Her voice is nice to listen to, and the song itself is very original, it’s about a topic no other song I can remember ever touched — eternal love. More specifically though, it seems to describe how love is powerful and can last forever when you live in a snowy country. Maybe it wears off more slowly due to the low temperatures?
When I was watching this video I had trouble focusing on anything other than the fact that Julia’s right eye sits so much higher on her face than her left eye! But thankfully only about 70% of the video is entirely about on her face. Well, that’s not entirely true, sometimes you see landscapes IN her face, which is, ugh, interesting? And then in the end you see her face in the landscape — on the top of a mountain, more specifically. With a waterfall. And a rainbow. And the moon too. In any case, Julia is not just a pretty face. The song? Sorry I didn’t pay much attention, and honestly, I’m not watching that again, am I?
Before I begin, I’ll say this review comes from a genuine Eurovision newbie. I didn’t know what it was, didn’t understand the purpose, or the fuzz around it, now I know … people are singing.
So Azerbaijan has a song that does mention the word “nation”, so I guess that’s good for an international contest, no? This way they might be able to recycle the song if they host an international sports event. The songs for those things are never the greatest, but a couple of lines can stick to your mind … “I’ll never sto o o o op, luna moon me up”
I think that’s my way of saying that there was a bit of “catchy” in the song but nothing more. On second thought, I think it might be because it sort of resembles a mixture of all Kapy Terry (avoiding any copyright infringements here) songs.
From the video, I enjoy the park or maybe botanical garden where it was filmed. Something to be careful about is that even though the dancers seem to be improvising most of their movements -no very impressively- the jump on minute 2:14 was a real hazard to my physical integrity when I tried to test its apparent low complexity.
Good luck Azerbaijan, thanks for being my first Eurovision experience and “never sto o o op, Luna moon me up” … I guess?
Not even 11 seconds into the video and all of the classic clichés have been shown!! Underwater scene, backlit smoke and sand drawing! Oh, wait there’s more on second 13, there appears a bunch of humans as stairs!
Well, that was it, after those first exciting clichés, the song goes flat. After reading the lyrics, I could find the chorus; I believe Ga Ga would be a bit disappointed. Around 2010 I started to think that all pop songs sounded the same, then I took it back when 2-years ago all radio hits seriously begun to sound the same. But now c’mon I’m pretty sure I heard this before somewhere.
I might be doing this thing wrong, I read comments about the video, and everyone seems so excited, I couldn’t even watch it more than three times. After all, this is just my second review ever for Eurovision. So I will add that: Franka does seem to have a nice voice. So good luck Croatia, maybe one day I’ll understand what this is really about.
Germanys entrant Michael Schulte started his career playing covers on youtube, and he possibly should have stayed there. He has a pleasing, clear voice, and the piano accompaniment gives the performance heart, but I feel like he doesn’t have the oompf to win this competition. Then again, Eurovision does have a long running obsession with lustrous hair, so Schultes thick curly locks may give him the edge he needs.
Well, the odd’s aren’t in Montenegros favour. In fact they come in right about last alongside San Marino and Slovenia. But that doesn’t mean that this year’s entrant Vanja Radovanović doesn’t have a lot to offer. His entry has an eery overtone and tells a story of love and loss in a snow swept landscape. The natural vistas and accompanying ballroom string orchestra (not to mention the giant chess set) give the entry a sense of drama and suspense. I look forward to the full length movie feature.
Call me a pushover, but I was instantly charmed by Alexander Rybak’s profile photo, where he wears a plain t-shirt and an earnest smile. His entry “that’s how you write a song” is just as sweet, and follows the story of a young boy who writes to ask Alexander advice on how to write a song (surprisingly enough). The catchy beat will definitely appeal to the tweens in the audience and his open, friendly demeanour is hard not to like. The video is simple but includes people from all walks of like, so I give him extra points for community spirit.
