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Welcome to the Eurovision finales!  Last year’s winner, Netta opened the finales with the now traditional parade of all finalists, interspersed with dancing flight attendants (why?) and previous Israeli participants including winner Dana International (that’s better).

Reminiscent of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, hosts Bar, Erez, Assi & Lucy instantly sedated the audience with canned jokes and voting instructions.

Malta kicked off the singing, dressed in white Michaela’s energetic performance was good enough for 16^th spot.

Next up was Albania’s Jonida with excellent ear wear., but the wailing was just too much – 17th.

The Czech Wiggles, dressed in primary colours, wowed the audience with a happy go lucky tune that took them to a respectable 11th place.

Germany’s S!isters was painfully off key and inharmonious – 3rd last was a generous outcome.

Sergei from Russia (all in white) sang to his own mirror images and liked what he saw…and apparently so did Europe – 3rd place.

Sporting excellent suspenders and sitting on a giant chair, Denmark’s Leonora stared down the camera and jumped into a respectable 12th place.

Disco was back with Serhat – San Marino’s answer to Barry White…incidentally dressed all in white. The audience loved it – not so the judges – 20th

North Macedonia’s Tamara smashed out her power ballad. Best (and only) green dress of the evening – 8th place

Sweden somehow made it to 6th place, but I can’t remember a thing.

And we were back to all-white outfits with Slovenia – Zala & Gasper’s on stage performance included intense stares at each other – not much more. An inexplicable 13th place.

Cyprus turned up the beat with Dominatrix Tamta, wearing chandelier bloomers. Why she was joined on stage by Zoro remains a mystery. – 15th place

Hunched over his mini-piano, Duncan from the Netherlands forewent all gimmicks and let his heart ache say it all – and Eurovision loved it – 1st place! Amsterdam, here we come!

Greece was up next with possibly the most confusing onstage show (why were the ladies fencing?). I was clearly not the only one confused – 21st place

Dressed for a school formal, Israel’s Kobi played to an ecstatic home audience and burst into tears – but to no avail, 23rd place.

Norway’s trio, dressed in black, made the most of onstage fog and guttural singing – an excellent 5th place

The UK’s Michael Rice started off-key and never made it back – an unsurprising last place

Novelty act Hatari from Iceland challenged Eurovision with their BDMS performance … enough conformity for a key change, though – 10th place

Stormboy, Victor from Estonia was next with lovely teeth. The most remarkable aspect of the performance was his sensible black slacks (possibly with drawstrings) – 19th place

16 year old Zena from Belarus was far less sensible – thigh high stiletto boots, open flames, and breakdancing – second last

The audience just loved Azerbaijan’s Chingiz , ably assisted by two onstage dentist robots – a deserved 7th place.

France’s Bilal sent a strong message of inclusion (dressed in white of course), but was not included in the top 10 – 14th

Italy’s Mahmood had the audience clapping along to his angy, but catchy ditty. Best red embroidered silk shirt of the evening – 2nd place

Serbia’s Nevena offered us one very good leg (the other one was apparently rubbish) and a highly annoying voice – 17th place

Underwear model Loca from Switzerland dirty danced his way into 4th place! Switzerland’s best performance since Celine Dion in 1988!

Australia was up next with a bit of pole dancing and popera – 9th place (I feel a bit seasick now)

Spain closed out the show – wearing his best black t-shirt, Miki worked the stage, but with little success – 22nd place

The intermission re-animated ghosts from Eurovisons past – performances from Conchita Wurst, Mons, Eleni, Verka Serduchka, …but get this…they sang each others songs…so wild!

Madonna was up next, wearing an eyepatch but vocally flat with a bizarre stage show…. I am still confused. Where was Gal Gadot ?????

The voting brought the usual shenanigans – awkward country reps calling through the points, geopolitical tactical voting (12 points to Russia from all countries at risk of invasion) with the occasional surprises (Norway’s 12 points did not go to Sweden, but to the Czech Republic).

The judges votes tuggled Sweden, North Macedonia, Italy, Azerbaijan and the Netherlands. But it was the public vote that propelled Duncan from the Netherlands into first place!

Thank Darwin, it is all over for this year – see you next year in Amsterdam!

Mariella for Club Douze Points